Selfish
by LBthebookworm
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR SEASON 8! Lance wants to smile. It's Shiro's wedding day after all. So why is it so hard for Lance to be happy for him?


**Season 8 was by far my favorite season except for the last episode. I understand what they were doing, and it was a genius idea, and it was beautiful, and I loved that everyone is so accepting of Allura's fate and can move on in honor of her, but I absolutely hated the ending.**

 **Don't misunderstand me, I loved the ending, and I am so glad that everything worked out and everyone ended up happy, but I still hated it. So I'm going to project my sorrow and emotional pain onto Lance like so many people enjoy doing.**

 **I figured that since it works for so many others, maybe it'll work for me. Please let me know where I can improve my writing or how much you cried during the ending so I know I'm not alone in my suffering.**

 **...**

Lance sucked in a breath, desperate to stifle his sobs.

 _Today is a happy occasion,_ he told himself. _Get yourself together. Shiro is finally happy, he doesn't need this._

"Lance?"

 _Quiznack._ "Hey Shiro!" Lance said happily. "What're you doing here?" he said, large grin plastered across his face. Shiro raised an eyebrow. "Could ask you the same thing."

Lance's smiled faltered, but he quickly amended it. "Just enjoying the view." he answered, and gestured to the rooftop around them. "So why are you here?"

Shiro smiled. "I wanted to see how you are doing. You're not one to leave a party early, let alone a wedding reception."

Lance couldn't hold his smile any longer. In fact, it took all of his will power not to dissolve. "Just needed a breather. I'll be back down in a minute." He waved Shiro away, hoping he would just leave. Unsurprisingly, he didn't.

"Lance, what's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong, Shiro. I'm fine." Lance tried to stay calm, to reassure Shiro, to reassure _himself_ , but it was too hard.

Shiro sat down next to him, and put a hand on his shoulder. "Lance?" It was too much. He couldn't keep it in any longer. The pain, the regret, the sorrow...

It was too much.

He wrapped his arms around Shiro's side, and sobbed into his chest. _Why am I so pathetic?_ he chastised. _Why can't I just smile for one day?_ He was sobbing into Shiro's wedding tux, while his new husband and some of their closet friends were celebrating. God, he was so selfish.

"You're not selfish, Lance." Shiro spoke, running a hand through Lance's hair. Quiznack, that last part had been out loud.

"I sorry." Lance managed to choke out. "Today is your day. Your supposed to be down there with your friends, celebrating your marriage to," he stopped, desperate to think of the man's name, "What's-His-Face, not up here, comforting me. I'm sorry Shiro. I'm so, so sorry."

"Don't be." Shiro laughed then, but it had no light behind it. It was empty. It was a laugh meant to push aside pain. "I get it. You want to smile for your friends. You want them to be happy, even though you're not. And as proud as you are of them, you're miserable deep inside."

How did Shiro always know what to say? "I get this way when I think about Adam."

 _Oh._

"I'm sorry." Lance whispered.

"Lance..." Shiro started, ready to soothe at any given moment.

"No." Lance said coldly, unwrapping his arms, and sitting up straight. "Let me talk."

Shiro looked stunned for a moment, before he nodded.

Lance took in a deep, shaky breath, before he began. "I am so glad you are happy. I'm glad everyone's happy." his voice was robotic, monotone. "I've been over it for some time, but being here, watching you marry What's-His-Face..."

"He has a name you know." Shiro interrupted, a smile quirking his lips.

"Shiro." Lance snapped. That was startling to both of them. There was anger in his voice, but also pain. "Go on."

"I thought I was over it. God, it's been five years, but I'm still not over it." he felt like he was going to barf, but he pushed it back down. "I see Allura everywhere I go. I see her in the water, in the skies, in all of you... I can't even look at my own face without seeing her." he raised a hand to his mark.

"But she's dead. Even if she isn't gone, she is dead." he finished. He couldn't stay upright anymore. He laid back, and looked at the stars above.

"It's okay, you know." Shiro told him. "It's okay to cry."

Lance felt himself shake again. He sobbed, pressing his hands into his eyes, and he let the tears fall freely.

"Go back to the party." he choked out. "Go celebrate. Go be happy."

"I'm not leaving you." Shiro said, placing his hand on Lance's shoulder again.

Lance sobbed. "I need to be alone right now."

Shiro sighed, before getting up. "You better call me the moment you feel better." he ordered. Lance barely managed to nod.

When Shiro was gone, Lance sat back up, and peered at the stars. It had been five years, but it was going to be okay, even if it hurt so much. Lance kissed his fingertips, and pressed them to his mark.

"I love you." he whispered. "Wherever you are, you better not forget that."


End file.
